Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Just Another Project

Years ago, when I was in college and long before I met Keith, I started writing a book of short stories / experiences about my life. I've been thinking about starting that up again. I'd basically have to start from scratch because I have NO idea where it is. I'm sure, stored away in an anciently old computer, you know the kind with the boxy monitors? Hey, it was like 2003. Ha ha. That sounds funny because that wasn't that long ago, yet it seems like forever when you think of how much technology has changed. Anyhow, so I've been thinking about writing again. I don't know that I want to write anything to publish, not yet at least. I don't consider myself a writer and with Keith working so hard to make this happen, I mean this is his dream! And he's good, I mean really good. I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to compete with that. I'm not trying to compete. My writing are stories, nay mere silliness really. Nothing compared to the layering creativity that he's producing. However, I keep thinking about it. So maybe it's worth putting out there. I thought, since I'm blogging again, maybe I will occasionally post a chapter on here, as a way to start bringing it back from the dead.

The title of my book is Don't Tell Anyone, Not Even Air. This probably seems strange and a little ridiculous but when I think of that, it makes me laugh so hard and brings to mind so many memories of my early adult years. First though, we need to start back when I was an awkward 12 year old girl. I really need to get some old photos of me scanned onto my laptop so I can post some of them on here. Hilarious. Gotta love the 80's. I guess by then it was the early 90's but still, awkward is as awkward looks. Puberty wasn't kind to me. When I turned 12 I received my first journal. It was your typical red, hard covered book with medium sized spaced lines inside and gold embossing on the front that said Journal. Nothing fancy but I loved it. I was so excited to receive this special gift from one of my church leaders. This was going to be epic. A place where I could spill the deepest, darkest, most intimate and private details of my life. Because at that point, life was pretty titillating. Utah suburban life in the early 90's...that's down right scandalous. So, in order to protect myself and my journal from prying eyes, I enlisted a few rules, which I immediately wrote in the front cover of my journal. I don't remember each rule in detail. They were pretty ridiculous. Rules like, "If you find this, don't read it". "If you do read this, immediately forget what you read." and the kicker...."If you read this....Don't tell anyone, not even air." LOL! I'm dying just typing this. How freaking ridiculous does this sound and yet I was so dead serious about it. I still have this journal, somewhere in my bedroom. I should probably find it to get those rules exactly (watch for that in the finished manuscript). What a gem to have from my childhood. Well the story doesn't stop there.

In the early 2000's I lived in Salt Lake City, on 9th East and roughly 9th South. I lived with some pretty hilarious girls and we were wild and crazy and did strange but fun things like throw Zoolander parties and make up dances to Brittney Spears' songs, such as hit me "Baby One More Time". One very late night, while avoiding an ever mounting pile of homework, I found said blessed journal and immediately had to show my roommates. We were all about the giggles and this was just too darn funny not to share. Well, to my glorious surprise, one of my roommates made me a t-shirt for Christmas that said "Don't Tell Anyone, Not Even Air". I was so excited. At the time my friends were particularly into making t-shirts with funny quotes on them, mostly from movies or lyrics from songs. They were usually brightly colored shirts with white fuzzy lettering that puffed up off the shirt a bit. I loved this shirt. I used to wear it all the time. I am not even sure what happened to it. I probably threw it away during one of my cleaning frenzies to make room for more important things in my closet or figured I'd never be tiny enough again to fit into it so why bother holding onto it. I'll have to find the shirt, if not, I know I have a picture of it somewhere. Because...you see the story continues from there.

After I finished college, I moved to CT for awhile. I needed to get away from the stresses of school and work. In the beginning I was only going to be out there for the summer. I ended up staying for a couple years, but that's another story, another chapter...or 3. Well while I was in CT, my 2 sisters and brother-in-law came out to visit me during that first summer. While they were there we went to NYC. I love NYC. Such a fun place. One day while we were walking around Manhattan, my younger sister and I passed another forgettable someone, who turned out to be not so unforgettable. For anyone that's spent time in a large city, or even in Salt Lake for that matter (City Creek Freaks as I've heard the phrase coined), there's a fair amount of crazies around. People are just weird and funny and weird. HA! So here we are, walking down the street, just looking around and weaving in and out of people, where out of the blue some guy yells at the top of his lungs...."DON'T TELL ANYONE NOT EVEN AIR". He gave us a toothy smile (I'm pretty sure he was missing some) and a freaky little cackle all while walking right past us. We busted up laughing, it was so funny! And when I think all of this came about because of some silly rule I put in my very first journal I can't help but smile. It only seems fitting to be the title of my book and so there you have it. Maybe this silly little phrase will make it's way into the world once again and hopefully bring a smile to other's faces as it has to mine so many times in the past.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Monday Morning Weigh-In + one teeny, tiny confession....

Today’s weigh-in: 212. Not bad! Hey, baby steps right? I think the no sugar last week definitely helped. Now I just need to focus on less carbs, at least the kind that I don’t really need. If I can keep going the way I have been, I’ll definitely be on track to reach my intermediate goal of under 200 lbs by April 14th (my anniversary).

The last few days I’ve been thinking about what is it that keeps me from reaching my full potential? I’m a firm believer that you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it, and with the help of God, of course. Yet, I seem to struggle with the same things, over and over again. What is it that makes us insecure with ourselves? We all have things we try to hide or are embarrassed about, whether those things are good or bad. I have a confession to make. I’m a singer. I love to sing. It makes me so happy. And I’m a good singer. I took 7 years of private voice lessons, starting when I was 14. I’ve actually recorded 2 CD’s; one is a Christmas / Italian Classical album and the other is more contemporary and modern. I’m not sure I love how the 2nd one turned out but it doesn’t matter. Not that many people have heard it. I’m almost more embarrassed telling you this than I am reporting what my weight is. What is wrong with me?! I’m definitely not as good as I used to be; I don’t practice regularly unless you count in the car and at church choir. But I still recognize that I have this talent. I have great pitch and can usually tell easily if someone is flat or sharp. I have a great memory for notes, as in; I can remember a tune or melody after hearing it only once or twice. I can read music. I don’t have a strong theory background but never pursued it much. So there it is. I said it. Why am I insecure, when I know I can sing, have sung several solo’s throughout my life, and probably will again in the future. I’m not afraid to tell people that I’m one helleva knitter, that I’m a fantastic cook and baker, that I’m funny and can still be spastic if I want to. I have lots of talents and qualities that make me great. So why do I let this one little thing cause my shoulders to cave in, creating a sinking feeling of folding into myself? I don’t know. I just do. I’m trying to overcome all insecurities. If I’m not afraid to be embarrassed or humiliated, even if the chances of that happening are enormous or slim, I wouldn’t care one way or the other what anyone thought of me, EVER. And guess what…skies the limit. If I have no secrets, then there’s nothing to keep me from looking each and every person I make contact with on a daily basis, in the eye, with confidence and excitement about who I am and willing to share who I am with anyone I know.

I hope by confessing this to the world, well “world” (take it with a grain of salt, it’s just the internet!), that I will feel a little less like a folding chair and a little more like a blow-up doll, who has a brain. That didn’t make any sense but you catch my drift.

I’m not saying we all have to stand on our roof tops and shout to the world our inner darkest and deepest secrets, but I’m sure there is something about yourself you are embarrassed to share; something that only a few people in your life know about. Maybe it’s not a talent per say, but there are reasons you are holding back, whether it be in a career, in a relationship with someone in your life, with your own personal goals and aspirations. Take a leap of faith. LET GO! It’s liberating and you might just find you are standing a little taller, lifting your head a little higher and smiling a little bigger. Ü

Love yourself, in all your glory; the good, the bad and the ugly (not that any of you are ugly…)


Thursday, January 24, 2013


Keith and I have decided to sell our car. Since he quit his job we have been finding ways to sacrifice and cut back. We decided if we are really going to make a go at him becoming published, we need to focus only on that. Which means he'll be working but not making money, at least not right now. Hopefully that will change in the next 4 to 6 months. It is an exciting time and yet, a little nerve wracking. So even though we own our car, it just makes sense for us to sell it and use the money towards making our savings stretch to help cover the gap between our monthly expenses and my income. We've looked at every scenario and I know this is the right thing for us to do. What this means for my early morning commute is that I will be riding the bus. Thankfully I get an extremely discounted monthly bus pass from work. The hard part is the route. There's a stop that picks up right in front of my house, which is nice. And where it drops off is only about 3 blocks away from my office. I can easily hop on Trax and ride the rest of the way. The route back home is a little trickier. Based on the bus schedule, I will have to adjust my work hours back 30 mins. Then where the bus drops off is about a 20 - 30 minute walk, depending on my speed. I can easily have Keith come pick me up, but what a pain to lug the kids into the car just to pick me up and come home. Doesn't really seem worth it to me. The biggest down fall is that I will be getting home about an hour and 15 minutes later. Grrr. My baby already is in bed between 6:30 and 7 (I know how awesome is that right?! I know you're all jealous!!). I won't see my kids as much, which means I'll have to work even harder to make each second count and give them as much attention at night as possible, which can be difficult depending on the day. We are going to save a lot of money doing this. I know it. And I am looking forward to not having to drive into Salt Lake every morning at the crack of dawn when it's cold and icy and I'm just too tired to deal with stupid drivers. I will have time on the bus to read, work on my knitting or sleep, which is probably what will happen most of the time. A week from tomorrow is when my new routine will take flight. After today's commute, I'm really looking forward to it. It's a sacrifice, one that may seem unnecessary to a lot of people. But for us, it makes sense. Sacrifice brings forth blessings, right?! Let's hope so. Keith is making good progress on his work schedule during the evenings and pretty soon it'll just start pouring out of him. He's such a good writer. He doesn't know it yet but he's going to have great influence on the world with his writing. He's very thoughtful and creative. I love to listen to his story ideas and the manuscript as he reads me new chapters. I'm excited for him to start focusing on the better things in life, instead of being consumed with trying to help him get better.

So much of parenthood is sacrifice. Putting off what you want today for a better life for your children tomorrow. So much of life is sacrifice. If we want to push ourselves, learn and grow, we must make sacrifices in some form or another. I love the quote "We must all live with one of two pains; the pain of sacrifice of the pain of regret." I am really trying to put off my own desires to make our lives better. To make my own life better. It's hard. I'm a selfish person by nature. I have a hard time not pushing for what I want. Think of something you want to change about yourself. Tomorrow try and give up that thing, whatever it is, for part of the day, for the entire day, or just resist if it be a vice of yours. It feels so good to say, hey, that was hard but I did it. I went without or I let go. I didn't give in! Baby steps people. Line upon line. "Today I didn't have a roll or butter with my salad. Success!!" Even if only in that moment, it was more time I resisted and I felt good because of it.

Keith and I decided to get an elliptical. We really need something at the house that he can do and that will not agitate his back. We are both really excited about it and I know it will help us with our goals as a couple as well as our individual goals. It is amazing to me how, since my little journey began and I decided to trust more and control less, our relationship seems stronger. Maybe I am just happier overall and so I feel like every aspect of my life is better. Oh don't worry, it's not. I still spend a fair amount of time yelling at Wrigley because he seriously NEVER listens to me. The kid is a little devil right now. I can NOT wait for him to start school. Maybe I need to get him into a tumbling class. Anyone know of a good and relatively cheap tumbling class in Centerville for toddlers. That sounds funny saying, he doesn't seem like a toddler to me, but he is only 3. Next to Ryno he seems like a giant! Anyway, I really feel like in just the last 3 weeks we have made some serious progress towards our goals for the year and making some very critical decisions for our future. Now the real test, can we do it?! YES, of course. As long as we don't give up and don't let the little setbacks get us down.

Like for me, last night we had DQ for dinner. I was starving because I didn't eat enough during the day. Then blew it on my dinner. My workout today was decent but could have been a lot better because I was tired and feeling bogged down (definitely didn't get enough sleep the last 2 nights!), and my right hammy - hamstring - is very tight, I think from Kickboxing on Wednesday. So tonight I try to get to bed a little earlier, which may requiring me to drug my child since he's the reason I haven't been sleeping well, and tomorrow try to push myself a little more. Eat a little better and love myself a little more, despite all the insecurities that tell me I shouldn't.

Farewell Brooklyn (Keith named her before we met). You've been good to us in so many ways. The old bat can still get up and go. Gotta love er. MUWAH!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I'm Wide Awake

Have y'all heard Katy Perry's song "Wide Awake"? I love that song, especially the lines "And now it's clear to me That everything you see Ain't always what it seems". This is exactly how I feel. Since I started blogging again and especially being so frank with my feelings, not holding anything back, I feel Wide Awake. Things seem so clear to me, even when they aren't. They are. I am starting to notice the spirit more in my daily life. I'm noticing my moods, whether changing or even, I can feel a difference within myself.

I have been reflecting a lot over the last week about the last few years of my life. We have truly been blessed. I have 2 extremely adorable and tender-hearted boys, who make me laugh and smile every day and remind me to stay young (oh the energy they have, it's unreal!). Keith has had some major trials with his health and in turn his trials have been my trials. It seems just when we come to the end of the road, it bends and curves and we find ourselves faced with another challenge, whether it be related to a previous problem or not. From specialist to specialist, procedure after procedure, and 2 surgeries later, it's possible some of his problems may never fully go away. But we keep fighting and praying for answers and a resolution. It's been a long road and it's not over yet. Recently, Keith participated in a sleep study, as part of the Pulmonologist's quest to find some sort of relief with his chronic cough. Keith has suffered with severe bouts of insomnia and at times, I think it's been due to the various health problems he's had, keeping him up at night.They discovered that he has severe sleep apnea; he stops breathing about 48 times an hour. I could NOT believe this! He is so lucky to be alive, when I think of everything he's been through and the amount of strain that has been put on his body in the last 3 1/2 years, we are truly blessed. Those blessings have been masked by confusion, doubt, fear, anger, frustration and at times of selfishness / self pity (okay maybe more than 'times', at least on my part). But God has never left our side, not for one minute. I feel a little bad that it has taken me this long to figure out how to cope with the stress and unknown. I haven't been very gracious at times but I'm already noticing a huge change in our home.

I have an app on my phone that is scripture of the day. I love it. Today's scripture is: Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." This scripture is perfect for what Keith and I are going through but really, when doesn't this scripture apply to life in general. It doesn't mean our problems will get easier or that we will always handle situations like we should. With faith and hope we can look forward to the future knowing, as long as we follow His will and do our best, even in the darkest and loneliest times of our lives we can find happiness and peace. We are never alone.

On a lighter note, to all those coming to kickboxing this Saturday, start pumping yourselves up. It's going to rock your world! T and I had an awesome kickboxing session . Although we only did 25 minutes it totally kicked my butt but I loved every minute. Bring it!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Monday Morning Weigh-in

Yesterday was definitely a Manic Monday! I tried all day to get this post done. My boys are crazy hyper and unruly right now. I can't imagine what life will be like when they actually become "boys"!! Anyway, I weighed in yesterday morning before I ate anything. I am not even down a full pound, but almost. Weighed in at 214.4. Hey, it's something and honestly, I feel like my clothes are fitting better. I'm sure I have lost some inches, so that is progress. I'm excited for my workout today and I can tell my stomach is shrinking from eating less at each meal and not eating sugar. I really need to cut back the carbs. Last year, before the holidays started, I did the 4 hour body diet for about 3 weeks. Yes, I Peter'd out after 3 weeks. It was hard! Not really hard to follow the diet, but let me tell you. After being at work for 9 hours, it is exhausting cooking a meal for your family and then spending an additional 20 minutes to doctor up my portion so it fits within the diet. That just doesn't work for me. But the concept behind it is pretty cool and I think there's alot of truth to it. Look it up if you're interested; I'm not going to get into the details and philosophy behind the diet. So, aside from the department breakfast that's being catered at work this morning (you know I'm totally going to stuff my face!) I am going to focus on less carbs this week, in addition to no sugar, and see where it gets me.

Get out there people and start moving!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013


I was going to post this on Friday, but I'm glad I waited. I had the best day at work on Friday. You wouldn't expect someone, especially me, to say something like that. One a Friday after a very busy and long week, payday, and right before a 3-day weekend (hallelujah), typically I would be distracted and the time would drag. I would be scratching at the door to get out of there like a dog waiting to play in the snow. Work has been going really well the last 6 months. I was not looking forward to going back to work after I had Ryne. Having 3 months off I got a taste of being a stay-at-home-mom and I loved it. But that's not my call in life. Not right now anyway. In this day and age, you do what you need to survive. Life is hard. The economy sucks. When we decided that Keith should quit his job, it probably seemed like a stupid and careless thing to do. I know a lot of people have probably thought that and some have even said it. But we were following the spirit and knew it was the right thing to do; taking this plunge and leap of faith for him to focus on his writing and working towards becoming a published author, and a better life for our family. Already we can see the blessings from this decision. Our boys seem happier being at home, and I know Keith and I are both happier. Our lives are better. Not easier, but definitely better.

So here I am, back to work, missing my babies like crazy. There had been some changes while I was gone, I wasn't sure how I was going to adjust. I was fortunate enough to get an office at that time, and that helped tremendously. I actually had several job interviews because I thought maybe I just needed to find something different within the bank and I would be happy again. Those didn't pan out and I was back to where I started. So I prayed and I really thought about what it was that I wanted. I had the thought that maybe I was not taking full advantage of my current position. So I started to think about what I wanted to be different and how I could change that. I had a very frank conversation with my supervisor and told her the things I wanted for my career. I mean, I've been with the bank for over 7 years now so like it or not, it is my career. I have to say, that was the best thing that could have happened for me. She has helped me so much and I have grown exponentially since that time, I feel like a different person. I have learned so much; I continue to learn and now I have a secret to tell. I actually really love my job right now. Yikes! It helps to have a supervisor that believes in you. I feel like I am to the point where my supervisor and I really get along well. She knows what I want and she's helping me get to that point. We have had some major blessings since then, within my job and within our personal lives outside of work, and I really believe it's because I've changed my attitude. I am actively working towards being a better person. This last week at work was really busy. I have lots of reports and deadlines to meet each month and with the timing of some of my loans, additional work was pressing that I had to complete. I received a payoff on a loan and am doing some negotiating with my attorney on another, which will hopefully yield a nice reward. The more I learn and the more my supervisor challenges me with the type of work she gives me, the more I enjoy what I am doing. I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and not looking back.

I have also been doing this with my workout goals. In a short amount of time, I feel like I have accomplished so much already. T and I had the best workouts this past week. I am starting to teach her kickboxing and it's getting me so pumped to teach my class next Saturday. I forgot how much I enjoy it; it's so much fun!!! The Pilates class yesterday went so well. I wasn't really sure how it was going to come together, I didn't really sit down and plan it out, or time each of the exercises, but I felt it went really well. People had a great time and I'm encouraged they will come back. I'm also encouraged as word gets out, more people will attend. And let me tell you, I am feeling it today! The great thing about teaching is that I push myself, really push myself. I want those I'm teaching to see the proper way to do each exercise. That challenges me to keep my form as perfect as I can. To push myself to the maximum rep, if you will, of each exercise and I can tell I worked hard yesterday. We are all in different places in our lives. I have not felt great about myself the last few years and I know I need to improve. My weight is an issue; it's obvious I am out of shape. Normally, I would not be so eager to get out in front of people in my spandex pants and teach exercise. I'm not really the model of a healthy person, just by looking at me. However, with all the changes over the last 6 months, I have felt more confident with myself and I believe this has helped me to get excited about exercise again. With that excitement, I want to teach and share what I know and love. In the process I'll be able to reach my own personal goals as well. The response to these classes I am teaching has been overwhelming. People are excited and supportive and don't look at me judging how I could possibly help or teach them, but are eager and willing to learn. It excites me!

The natural man in all of us can keep us from reaching our full potential. I'm amazed how much a change in my attitude has changed my life in such a short period of time. Oh, don't get me wrong. I've had many a pity party and woe is me moment in the last 6 months. There are plenty around me that can attest to that. But those moments of self pity are decreasing in length and fleeting in occurrences because I pick myself back up, look for the positive, focus on the things I have control over, and have Faith that the rest of it will work out, eventually.

I read on a friend's blog last night a quote that I'm going to steal and it goes something like this: Stop thinking about what could go wrong and start thinking about what could go right. I LOVE that!!! How true it is. I fester and worry about what could go wrong. Maybe I shouldn't do this because I'm afraid of making a mistake. Well mistakes will be made. That is just part of life. But if the decision I am making is big enough, as long as I follow the spirit and have faith, I know I don't need to be afraid. So many of the things I worry about anyway don't really matter. I'm changing my attitude about my life and the way I view it. I am so blessed and not just because I'm finally starting to see it. I have been blessed my entire life. Sure I've struggled but look where it's gotten me today. God has never left my side, even when I've left his and don't deserve his love watching over me. He has never left me.

So I challenge anyone that is reading this to focus on the good things in your life. Focus on what you can control. Try every day to have a positive attitude and look for reasons to be happy. It's not hard to find them and it's amazing what it will do for your heart and for the love you have for yourself and those in your life.

Look at these faces.... How can I not be happy, even when sometimes all I want to do is head for the hills and never look back! That's a fleeting moment. I love these rugrats. And yes, that is a marshmallow Wrig is rubbing on his cheek. He was so happy and surprised that it was soft and not sticky. LOL! Ah, the simple pleasures in life!


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Daniel Powter's Got Nothin' on this Girl!

I had such a good day today. Oh, and sorry I haven't checked in for a few days. Sickness becomes us, here at the Smith household; today, tomorrow and forever (or so it would seem). I had the best workout today. T and I walked for about 45 mins in the parking garage and IT...was...COLD! But cold is good. It forces you to move faster so you can stay warm and I think we did an awesome job. Work's been good this week and I haven't been bobble-heading it on my desk. I think I'm getting more energy from the workouts and less sugar. I'm sure going to bed by 10:30 instead of 12:30 has something to do with it also.

One of my sister's put together a fitness challenge for our family, for those that wanted to participate. You basically get points for doing certain things, like if you exercise for 20 mins, 4 x a week, you get 5 points each day. Drink 64 oz of water a day, eat 5 servings of fruit and/or veggies each day and only 1 sweet a week (awe man!). The challenge started on Monday, so I guess it's the end of the 2nd day. I'm feeling really good! I need this to help me with my own personal goals, because otherwise I probably wouldn't pay as much attention to my diet, especially on the sweets things. One year, long long ago, before either of us were married, said sister and I did no sugar for 6 months. Can you believe that?! I don't even think I would still be alive after 6 months of no sugar if I tried that now. After having kids and dealing with perpetual tiredness that comes with being a parent, a responsible parent, well sometimes an ice cold cherry coke is the only thing keeping me sane and not strangling someone. Anyway, the fitness challenge goes for 8 weeks. The person with the most points at the end gets the pot. I don't even know how many people are doing it, but I know I need this and I'm excited to give some people a run for their money. Literally. Mama needs a new pair of anything!

I'm getting really excited for the fitness classes I'll be teaching. I hope it comes together when I'm not just playing it out in my mind and I really hope I can keep up with my own class. In my mind, I can still do all the things I used to be able to do. But I'm sure I'll be winded and tired. I was talking to a close friend today about life and some of the struggles we've had, that she is aware of, and vice verse. I always love being able to get others points of view, especially when someone knows the history of your woes and is always there for you. It helped me to refocus my thoughts back to the concept of "letting go". I think this just needs to be my mantra. "Let GO...Let GO...Let GO." "Have Faith....Have Faith.....Have FAITH". The last few days I've been stressing and not being to subtle to hubby about the oh so very imminent need to "get things resolved" and "figure out a game plan". I am a planner. I like to be prepared. Not to say that I can't be spontaneous, but I'm no where near what I used to be for spontaneity. I am tired, and old (feeling). The thought of the work and effort it takes to do certain things really just makes me tired and so I don't. It's pretty pathetic and I don't want to be that way. I felt a lot better after talking with this dear friend, that I don't have to have it all figured out right now, I don't even really need a game plan. I just need to have a thought or an idea and if it feels right, then I go with it. So again, here I am, back to the basics Cami. Always look for the positive and every day tell yourself, out loud, something that you like about yourself, something that makes you a good person. We get too caught up in the world, too caught up in the motions of life, sometimes we get bogged down but a stupid mistake or a moment of impatience when we might say something we later regret. Forgive and forget. Forgive yourself. Move on and forget.

OK, I'd better sign off. I have a 3 yr old that keeps trying to type on my keyboard with his foot. (insert frustrated sigh...where's my cherry coke when I need one. I swear this kid is like a freak of nature. He doesn't nap anymore and will still be running in circles at 9:30pm. Heaven help me and my 5am alarm!)

Smile. You are worth it!! Have a GOOD Day!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Nothing Good Happens After Midnight

Did you ever hear this phrase growing up, either indirectly or very directly...."Nothing good happens after Midnight"? Well sometimes I think nothing good happens after 5pm. I have the hardest time in the evenings when it comes to making good food choices. Once I get home from work, my brain is dead. It's been a particularly busy work week and it's only Wednesday! I had planned to make dinner, but after running some errands on the way home, and dealing with traffic, I didn't stand a chance. We had DQ (which was really good, I won't lie). I was totally ready to have something just hit my hunger square in the face. Mission accomplished. And then some. See when I'm tired I tend to eat. I can tell that what my body really needs is to rest. But I don't. I push through the exhaustion to accomplish whatever it is that I'm doing whether it's something that really needs to be done or not. I can function on little sleep for a few weeks before the monster in me comes out and I melt down. BUT...it's not healthy to do this. I've been having alot of headaches lately and there's no doubt it is from lack of sleep. Why don't I just go to bed? I love sleep. Anyway, so there I am. Just finished stuffing my face full of DQ and then what did I do? I ate some cookies. Not just one or two but like 4 or 5. I really don't remember. They were small, but still. That is not the point. I know how many calories there are in a serving. I looked the other day. And I still chose to eat them. Why do I do this to myself? I took Mojo for a walk that night in attempts to feel something other than remorse. I wasn't very pleased or happy with myself and in the mean time, still extremely tired.

Today, I am having a great day! I was a little ornery this a.m. due to lack of sleep and hunger. I didn't have time to make a lunch so I grabbed 2 little cuties and ran out the door. I knew I was going to have to buy lunch and I really didn't want to buy breakfast. I also knew, as soon as I got to work, I would get busy and wouldn't get any food for awhile. SO...in a desperate and self-convincing moment, I stopped at Carl's JR on the way to work and got a Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit (which are so deliciously amazing and surprisingly cheap). I ate that on the way to work. It hit the spot and stopped my hunger for quite some time, I'm sure due to the calories and protein. About 10:30 I ate my cuties and had some popcorn that I made in the microwave, and although I could have easily eaten the entire bag, I decided to put the rest on the table outside my office, for my co-workers to snack on. I felt good about not going overboard, even on a light, healthy snack. I can't say I'll have as much self control the next time I hit up the Megaplex. Oh, how I love theater popcorn. <sigh with a smile>

I had a great workout with T. My body is starting to feel alive again and although I am still sleeping and will probably be hitting the H on my keyboard over and over again later when I keep dozing off, I am glad I exercised. We did arms and abs with some inter mitten walking in the parking garage. It was great. Now I'm ready for my 6 inch sub from Subway (hey I have enough points for a free sub - don't judge) and some more water. I've also made a goal to take Mojo for a 20 min walk each night. He is 5 years old and after his slipped disc episode, I really can't afford to not give him the exercise he needs. He's small and I could throw the ball up and down the hall for 5 minutes and he would be tired. But it's better for both of us if we get outside. Besides, he has to go out each night before bed anyway, so might as well just do it.

I'm feeling confident that tonight I will overcome my 5pm Midnight failures of doing something stupid or eating things I don't really want. And I'm learning to not beat myself up over the little things. I just started my new journey and there are bound to be times when I don't do things perfectly and that is OK. I am not perfect, I'm just me.

There's a few quotes that I just love that I wanted to share. They are inspiring and help me to stay grounded. I'm not sure who said this first one, but it goes like this:

"We must all live with one of two pains. The pain of discipline or the pain of regret."

A few lines from a Taylor Swift song (lines aren't in order of how the song goes):
"Today is never too late to be brand new" And "You lost your balance on the tight rope, it's never too late to get it back"

And finally....

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol

I am on a journey to improve myself, not just physically, but mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I hope anyone reading this will remember that we all make mistakes, we all have imperfections and although things may look perfect on the outside, we are all struggling with something or things in our lives. Be gentle, loving and understanding of one another and most importantly, of yourself!!

Monday, January 7, 2013


Today T and I worked out during lunch. It was good and challenging. I've been thinking a lot about the exercises and routines I'll start my classes with in the next couple of weeks. I'm getting really excited to teach again. I wish my body was up to speed with my brain. I can see what I want to do and I feel like I can do it, because I have done it in the past. But most of the time, it doesn't happen the way it should. Baby steps.

I decided to watch the Biggest Loser this year. I have never watched it before, but heard great things about it. So far I have watched 1 1/2 episodes and it is really inspiring. Inspiration can be the key to reaching any goal. The more I prepare for Pilates on the 19th, the more excited I am to share what I know and hopefully inspire others. At the very least, we can all have fun together, because at the end of the day, I know that I will be getting the most out of this whole experience.

Once I get into a good routine, then I tackle the meal plans. Usually I do ok at work. If I prepare my lunch and snacks the night before, easy peasy. It's when I get home, tired, hungry, and immediately bombarded for attention by everyone, including Mojo, that I just want to sit and graze and not be disciplined. Losing weight, well not even just that, but being a healthy person, is a 3 pronged system. You really do need to exercise with cardio and resistance training, as well as eat right. It goes even further, by how much water you drink, how much sleep you get, how busy you are, etc. Our bodies are good at holding in stress. Stress we cause for ourselves, stress caused from external factors we can't control; physical, mental and emotional stress. When I'm rich I am getting a massage once a week. They are heavenly. And good for you. Why is being healthy so expensive?! LOL! Seriously though, massages are a great way to release stress and push the toxins out. SO, make sure your significant other gives you plenty of body massages. It really does make a difference.

Now back to my spiel. Find something or someone that inspires you. Keep that person in your life daily, whether it's someone you live with, or just someone you speak with for a quick moment on the phone or via email. Give yourself little reminders each day about what's most important and why you are doing whatever it is that you are trying to achieve. Set intermediate goals. It's so easy to get caught up in the daunting end result; it seems so far away and so impossible. I feel that all the time. It's easy to say, oh it doesn't matter. I will never be able to change. But change is all about attitude and desire. You can do anything you put your mind to. I can do anything I put my mind to. The older I get, the challenges that I am faced with, each one helps me to realize how much I really am capable of handling. This particular goal of mine, it's been a road block that I've faced for many years and at different moments of my life have been harder to deal with. I want to change who I am right now, get back to the person I know I have been and can be for the rest of my life. My 6th wedding anniversary is coming up on April 14th. That's about 13 weeks away. I am setting a goal that by my anniversary, I will be below the 200 mark. This is going to be challenging and really push me. I feel like the beginning is the hardest but also a time to see the most results and the crucial period where it's make it or break it. I choose to make it. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Water and Onions

My kids are sick. I mean like, runny nose, red eyes, not sleeping through the night, fever-ridden sick. I feel like Florence Nightingale, without the gracefulness. I'm always taking care of sick people. Husband, children, even the dog on a very rare occasion. I'm so tired of sick. Now that hubby is home with the boys while I'm at work (that's right ladies, I's gots me a house wife!) and we are back to cruddy insurance, in an effort to combat the ever mounting medical bills, I'm diligently seeking new ways to help the boys in my house over come the constant ailments that seem to stalk them. In addition, I have been thinking of doing a cleanse or 2 of my own, to help jump start me on my journey to a better me. It's been a pretty lazy weekend, although I did some light cleaning here and there, I haven't really cooked a regular meal. Let me just say, I love to cook. But I hate cooking for just myself. With the various health issues my Boo has had over the last few years, I've just gotten out of the habit of planning and preparing regular meals because no one was able to eat it but me. Boring. It's really awful when I think about it. I need to revamp our entire mealtime routine. Half the time Wrigley doesn't even want to eat and he's SO thin, if all I can get him to eat is chips and applesauce, well at least he is eating right? Anyway, I'm getting off track here. We as a family are trying to be healthier in general and I have my work cut out for me to prepare regular meals that don't end up as leftovers that I am eating alone for lunch and dinner 3 days after, while the boys eat cereal and toast. Maybe I want some cereal. Maybe I want some toast. I just don't want to waste food. Okay, okay....really getting off track here.

The point of tonight's post is not about meals. It's about Water and Onions. Come again? you may ask. Well yes, water and onions. I've been doing some research online about various cleanses, or types of fruit, veggies, juice blends, etc. that can help you cleanse the toxins from your body. The first thing I heard about from T, and then later did some follow up research of my own, is the onions are actually very common in pulling out the toxins from your body or from the air. One site talked about how simply peeling and putting a cut onion in a room can pull the germs from the air. The method that intrigued me is putting onions on the bottom of your feet, then put socks on your feet. Do this when you go to bed and the end result should be...well I don't know. A discoloration of the onion showing that toxins have been pulled from the body, thus you now have a poisonous onion inside your sock. LOL. Hey, I am thinking outside the box here. And it's inexpensive and if it works, well it's worth a try. So tonight my husband is sleeping with onions in his socks. And so am I.

The other thing I read about is how drinking hot water can stimulate your lymphatic system, open up the lymph nodes and help flush the toxins out of your body. Specifically hot water that has been boiled. Apparently boiling the water first gets it to a pure H2O state, and is more compatible to your internal body fluids. Please take all of this with a grain of salt, I'm paraphrasing and I'm tired. Holy cow, I just noticed it's 9:21. Better hurry up here. (Yes, I know, I sound old. But I feel old.) Anyway, I probably won't have time to boil water before I leave for work in the very early, cold morning. But there is a water dispenser at work that has cold and hot water. So I'm taking my thermos and for the next 3 days / nights I will be drinking nothing but hot water and wearing onions to bed. I'm really curious to see what the result is. If it can help honey as well, I'll do it! We have been getting more into the essential oils and I love what they are doing for my boys. So, here's to the Hippies!

One final thought I wanted to share.... A comment left by one of my readers (it feels weird to say that "One of my readers" but it's true), a reader and a friend, got me to thinking about teaching exercise again. I mean, I'm no longer a certified licensed trainer, and it has been awhile since I was fully immersed in the world of Exercise Science, but it is in fact just a science. 90% of exercise is Bio-mechanics. You will get the most out of your exercise if your body is in the right position, and you allow physics to do it's job. So, starting on Saturday January 19th, every Saturday morning I will be alternating and teaching a Pilates and Kickboxing / Circuit Training class at the church by my house for all in my neighborhood that are interested. I'm really excited about this. It's going to really push me to stay disciplined with my own goals, plus I really do enjoy teaching people about exercise. I'd forgotten just how much until T and I started working out during lunch at work and I was able to teach her some of the things that I know. I've got 2 weeks to gear up mentally and physically for this. I'm sure it will be a little rocky in the beginning, so bear with me if you attend, but I promise in the end it will be worth it and you'll have no regrets, as neither will I.

Thanks everyone for your support. Already I have felt so much encouragement and excitement about this. It really does make a difference to me. Love to all. - Cams

Friday, January 4, 2013

Change is HARD

Blah. I'm having a particularly annoying day. I'm annoyed with myself. BIG surprise. I haven't been very patient with my best friend and he's doing SO much for me. I'm getting bottle necked with my own thoughts. I need to clear my head. I need to breathe. I need to relax. Patience....patience Cams.

So yeah, change is hard. Not just physical but mental and emotional change. I'm hitting the Trifecta today. Good thing it's finally Friday.

I was going to work out during lunch today. See, when I came back to work after having Ryne (my sweet little 10 month old chunk of a baby boy) I had an epiphany that I should just workout during my lunch break. Then I won't feel guilty at night for not exercising when there's so much going on at home. And you know, this was working really well for awhile. My good friend T and I were on a roll. Well that was before the holidays and I've gained all but 2.2 lbs of the 15 I'd lost. YUCK! Anyway, I have all of this exercise stuff, free weights, bands, balls, etc so I brought them to work and put them in one of the empty filing drawers in my office. So yeah, back to the grind. However, today I'm just not feeling it. I don't want to change my clothes. My back hurts. I'm feeling blue after being so impatient earlier. Yeah I know, just excuses. Well baby steps. The excuses are fine for right now. There will be days I won't be able to workout during lunch, due to deadlines, meetings, lunch appointments, etc. You get the idea. So I'm not going to let 1 day get me down, since I'm still on this journey. You know, last night I totally failed with my dinner choice. We had Costa Vida and it was really good. And then 15 minutes later I was in the bathroom, sick as a dog, which was evident by the outhouse effect going on in my toilet. I'm pretty sure there were flies in there. It was bad. Anyway, later that night I had my hand in the Peanut Butter M&M's bag, my finger was touching one of those delicious little buggers, and I resisted. I withdrew my hand from the bag. Sure it probably had something to do with the epic nightmare I left behind in the bathroom, but I'm still proud of myself. In that moment, I was a winner. So, today I start new. I haven't had any chocolate. I will try and resist. And the day is not over yet. I can still do 15 minutes of Pilate's when I get home and that's really good. I need to learn, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. This is where my compulsive behavior comes in. It is good and bad, all at the same time. See, when I was living in Connecticut, my home away from home, and working as a personal trainer I had the opportunity to participate in an "Aerobic Trek" after the holiday season. And since I worked there (among other places - yes stinky bagel shop, we'll always have the onions) I just stayed at the gym when I wasn't working or training and I worked out. I mean I WORKED out! Towards the end of the competition, there were days I literally worked out for 7 hours in a day. I would just move from machine to machine. Elliptical. Bike. Treadmill. You name it, I did it. Now I wouldn't recommend this, however, it proved to me that I can do just about anything if I put my mind to it. And it was worth the 10 massages from the in house massage therapist that I won from my boss as a result of beating out a veteran gym competitor that typically won each year. Anyway, the point of the story is not to brag. It's to show that I tend to fixate on things and I can't let go. I need balance. I don't want to feel bad if I miss one day of working out or if I have a bad night decision where I eat stove top stuffing with crackers and cheese spread for dinner (that was Wednesday night!). Life is not perfect. So if I can get in 15 minutes of exercise and that's all, good enough.

Okay, the moment you have all been waiting for. I weighed in this morning. It wasn't as bad as I thought, although it's still bad, so be gentle. Oh, and I had T take some photos of me this morning cuz visuals are good for tracking progress. I'm also including measurements, because I know that if I want accuracy I shouldn't rely on just a scale. Fasten your seat belts, here we go.....

Weight: 215.8       
Height: 5'5"

Arms: 14"
Chest: 43"
Rib Cage: 39.5"
Stomach: 47"
Hips: 53"
Thighs: 27"
Knees: 19"
Calves: 18"
I didn't do my cankles.

There you have it. That's me, in a nut shell. I thought it funny how symmetrical I am. I measured each of my arms and legs individually and they were the same. Funny huh? Okay, well that's it for today. Have a great weekend people.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Naked Truth

Ahhhhh........ Man, look how long it's been since this sweet thang has even been acknowledged?! Time for some major updates. I decided I need to start blogging again, for me. Since it's a New Year, I have been pondering alot on myself. Self reflection isn't really that fun when there are alot of things you want to change about yourself. But it needs to be done, so here we are, if there even is a WE (is anyone out there reading this?!) ...I'm here. That's what matters.

I've decided since I'm done having rugrats, it's time to get my lazy A back in shape. I have struggled with self image most of my life. Thought I was fat when I wasn't and now that I am, I sorely regret those moments of self pitty. Let's just put this out there. I have never been skinny, skinny. And I've never suffered from any real eating disorder. I love food too much and I loathe throwing up. So...dodged a bullet there. Phew! However, I am compulsive by nature, I have issues with control, and for those that really know me, well I can be a little intense at times. Sorry Boo. Sisters. :) I'm a stress eater. I like that I can control what I eat, when I eat and how much. This hasn't bode well for me in recent years, thus the ever-growing appendages and swelling in my butt and stomach. Yes, you heard me, swelling. If I could stick a pin in it and pop the fat out, I would. But I can't. I actually have a Bachelor's Degree in Exercise and Sport Science you know. You wouldn't think it by looking at me, but I LOVE to exercise. I have worked as a personal trainer. I LOVE teaching exercise. If I could make a living doing it, I would teach Pilates. Pure Heaven....<sigh>. SO, back to reality. Kids. Job - where I spend most of the day sitting. LIFE! It's soooo busy and complicated and messy. I need to get back to the basics. What really matter in life? What really matters to me?? My Boo; he's my rock and I think sometimes I forget that. My sweet, sweet boys. They are my breath. Those 3 (ok, and Mojo too!) are what matter to me. I matter to me. Back to the basics.

I've decided to make this blog about me. And yes, I am a Sleepwalking Mommy. But this blog will not be about my kids, although I will mention them because let's be honest, they are extremely adorable and hilarious and my world revovles around them. I want to make this blog about my trek to find myself again. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I need to get raw. With myself, with the world, if the world even cares. If I really want to make the changes I know I can, I need to say it, say it outloud, so it becomes real. Yes, my deepest darkest secrets (not transgressions, don't get too excited people). I need to be accountable. My whole life I have learned to be a God fearing person, but I don't fear God. I don't need to fear God. I need to fear myself. I am my own worst enemy. It's so easy to cheat and lie to yourself. Maybe I have just become so lazy and appathetic towards myself and the standard I should hold myself too, but I can't blame a messy and complicated life on the fact that I want to change and I don't. So no more excuses.

Starting tomorrow, I am weighing in and posting....my weight. That's right. I'm going to track my weight loss process on this blog. When Keith and I met I was swimming approximately 4.5 hours a week. I went to the gym. I was in the best shape of my life. I felt so good about myself, so confident. Ok so I didn't have 2 small kids, a dog and a husband. I wasn't even dating. And I didn't care about anything but living my life. Now I think and care about everything. Money, our future and making ends meet, house work, responsibilities....the list goes on and on and I just can't seem to let go. Well this is me.....letting GO! I hope, if anyone is out there reading this, you will go on this journey with me. My end goal is to get back into those Gap jeans rotting in dust inside my closet that I wore the first time I met my sweet Boo.

Here goes nothin'!!