Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Naked Truth

Ahhhhh........ Man, look how long it's been since this sweet thang has even been acknowledged?! Time for some major updates. I decided I need to start blogging again, for me. Since it's a New Year, I have been pondering alot on myself. Self reflection isn't really that fun when there are alot of things you want to change about yourself. But it needs to be done, so here we are, if there even is a WE (is anyone out there reading this?!) ...I'm here. That's what matters.

I've decided since I'm done having rugrats, it's time to get my lazy A back in shape. I have struggled with self image most of my life. Thought I was fat when I wasn't and now that I am, I sorely regret those moments of self pitty. Let's just put this out there. I have never been skinny, skinny. And I've never suffered from any real eating disorder. I love food too much and I loathe throwing up. So...dodged a bullet there. Phew! However, I am compulsive by nature, I have issues with control, and for those that really know me, well I can be a little intense at times. Sorry Boo. Sisters. :) I'm a stress eater. I like that I can control what I eat, when I eat and how much. This hasn't bode well for me in recent years, thus the ever-growing appendages and swelling in my butt and stomach. Yes, you heard me, swelling. If I could stick a pin in it and pop the fat out, I would. But I can't. I actually have a Bachelor's Degree in Exercise and Sport Science you know. You wouldn't think it by looking at me, but I LOVE to exercise. I have worked as a personal trainer. I LOVE teaching exercise. If I could make a living doing it, I would teach Pilates. Pure Heaven....<sigh>. SO, back to reality. Kids. Job - where I spend most of the day sitting. LIFE! It's soooo busy and complicated and messy. I need to get back to the basics. What really matter in life? What really matters to me?? My Boo; he's my rock and I think sometimes I forget that. My sweet, sweet boys. They are my breath. Those 3 (ok, and Mojo too!) are what matter to me. I matter to me. Back to the basics.

I've decided to make this blog about me. And yes, I am a Sleepwalking Mommy. But this blog will not be about my kids, although I will mention them because let's be honest, they are extremely adorable and hilarious and my world revovles around them. I want to make this blog about my trek to find myself again. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I need to get raw. With myself, with the world, if the world even cares. If I really want to make the changes I know I can, I need to say it, say it outloud, so it becomes real. Yes, my deepest darkest secrets (not transgressions, don't get too excited people). I need to be accountable. My whole life I have learned to be a God fearing person, but I don't fear God. I don't need to fear God. I need to fear myself. I am my own worst enemy. It's so easy to cheat and lie to yourself. Maybe I have just become so lazy and appathetic towards myself and the standard I should hold myself too, but I can't blame a messy and complicated life on the fact that I want to change and I don't. So no more excuses.

Starting tomorrow, I am weighing in and posting....my weight. That's right. I'm going to track my weight loss process on this blog. When Keith and I met I was swimming approximately 4.5 hours a week. I went to the gym. I was in the best shape of my life. I felt so good about myself, so confident. Ok so I didn't have 2 small kids, a dog and a husband. I wasn't even dating. And I didn't care about anything but living my life. Now I think and care about everything. Money, our future and making ends meet, house work, responsibilities....the list goes on and on and I just can't seem to let go. Well this is me.....letting GO! I hope, if anyone is out there reading this, you will go on this journey with me. My end goal is to get back into those Gap jeans rotting in dust inside my closet that I wore the first time I met my sweet Boo.

Here goes nothin'!!

12 comments:

  1. I remember those days! Bronson, the driveway from hell, RLC, and visiting Allison twice a week. We looked good.

    I post on TheShrinkingBetties.blogspot.com from time to time. I have my MyFitnessPal weight loss ticker on there. So you can see how much progress I'm not making. (:

    You've inspired me to blog more. But first, I have to clean the house. (Which is why I'm reading blogs instead.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You go girl!! I'm really excited for you! I don't know how you stay afloat workin & having all those boys in your house ;) You are AMAZING in so many ways and i want you to know that. I admire what you can do as the primary secretary, i dont know how you get it all done on top of everything else. Here's to you!!! ps. i would totally take pilates form you if you taught it, just sayin!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks girl. It's going to be crazy & hard but I'm excited too. You know I could teach a Pilates class if there was interest in the ward / neighborhood. Free of charge of course. I'm not a licensed instructor but I was trained to be a pilates instructor by an amazing pilates teacher. It would be fun & good to help me get back into it.

      Delete
    2. Look how inspiring you are (and funny, to boot!)!! I don't know how you do it either, but you can definitely sign me up for that neighborhood pilates class!

      Delete
  3. I think it's so awesome that you are going to blog your progress. It definitely helps when you can be accountable to other people whether in real life or on a website. I'm also a stress eater and have been trying to lose weight forever. I've started to see some progress lately but it's definitely not a fast process. Have you tried MyFitnessPal.com? It's great. You can track your food, exercise and goals on there. If you ever want to join me at the rec for Zumba I go Wednesdays and Thursdays at 9 pm. I even have some free passes if you just want to see if you like it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Hilary! That would be fun. I've been wanting to try it. I love to dance. I have an acct on MFP. I need to start using it again. I actually lost 15 after I went back to work. But halloween happened & that was that. Lol!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love it. Love you! One thing I've learned from my kids about myself and trying to control my issues is that it really is my choice in how I act. I know it sounds simple and lame, but so often I think I can't change things because it's just who I am or how I was raised or whatever when in reality I can choose whatever I want and be whatever I want. So, I'm excited to read about you and your progress. Seriously do keep updating your blog because when you say you do but you don't it makes me sad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holls...for realsies. This is my final & most desperate attempt. Your words ring so true. Sometimes I just give in to the anger & let myself get more upset. I did it tonight. I can tell I'm being unreasonable but still, I keep pushing. It's dumb. Anyway, off too bed. I need to stop staying up so late.

      Delete
  6. You are awesome...i miss your cute face!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I miss your cute face Em!! I should come visit you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am not sure anyone in the world knows how much trouble I am in come tomorrows workout. OH BOY The Cams is motivated last time I could hardly walk for a week!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lol! Don't worry T. We're gonna do it the right way this time. Although, we ARE hitting legs hard tomorrow. Good jump start for the weekend. Love ya girl. :-) Thanks for putting up with me.

    ReplyDelete